Eventually, we ALL get old! Some will lose their hearing, others their memory, 
or their hair, or teeth, or their good health. 
Whatever I end up losing... it sure won't be my humor, as this time I'm poking fun at the inevitable... 

~Senility Joke~

   An elderly couple were having trouble remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor 
to rule out Alzheimer's disease.
     After checking out the couple, the doctor told them that they were physically OK, but that they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
     Later that night while watching television, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, 
"Where are you going?"
     He replied, "To the kitchen".
     She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
     He replied, "Sure".
     Then she asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
     He said, "No, I can remember that".
     She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that".
     He said, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries".
     She replied, "Well, I would also like some whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you should write it down".
     With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down... I can remember that!"
     He fumed into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned and handed her a plate of 
bacon and eggs.
     She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast".

~Sitting On The Porch~

     A man was walking down the street when he noticed his Grandpa sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
     "Grandpa, what are you doing?!", he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
     "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?!", he asked again. 
     The old man shyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, 
and I got a stiff neck... This was your Grandma's idea!"

~The Negligee~

     Upon getting up to work one morning, 60 year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that 
it's his wife's birthday today. 
     At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Unfortunately, he realizes 
that life has been good to her and she has everything she needs. 
     While passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never brought anything like that in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good & young.
     Marvin goes into the store and tells the sales clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Then he takes the gift and excitedly goes home.
     His wife is in the kitchen as he arrives. He tells her to take the gift upstairs & unwrap it... he'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to their bedroom.
     Once she opens the package she realizes that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. Thinking for a moment, she decided to really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. Leaving the negligee on the bed, she struts down the stairs and calls out, "Marvin, come to the hallway and look..."
     Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, "ALL THAT MONEY and they didn't even IRON it!"

~Senior Citizen Eye Test~

~Going To The Doctor~

     An old man in his eighties got up from watching television and began putting his coat on. His wife asked, "Where are you going?"
     He said, "I'm going to the doctor".
     She replied, "Are you sick?"
     "No", he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills".
     With that, his wife got up and began putting on her coat. He asked, "Where are you going?"
     She replied, "I'm going to the doctor too".
     He said, "Why?"
     She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"

~Finally, Heaven!~

     An elderly couple, having been married almost 60 years, are killed in a car accident. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise.
     When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite, and jacuzzi.
     As they were being shown around, the old man asked how much this was going to cost. 
     "It's free", St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven".
     Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that their new home backed up to. Plus, every week the course changed to a new one! The ola man then asked, "What are the green fees?"
     St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven... you play for free".
     From there they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?", asked the old man.
     "You don't understand yet", said St. Peter, "This is Heaven, EVERYTHING'S FREE".
     "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?", the old man asked.
     St. Peter replied, "That's the best part... you can eat as much as you like and you'll never get fat OR sick! This is Heaven".
     With that the old man went in to a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it. His wife and St. Peter tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
     The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

~The Bus Stop~

     Three old ladies are sitting on a bench waiting for the next bus.
As they are talking, a flasher comes up to them and opens his coat.
     The first old lady has a heart attack, the second old lady has a stroke, and the third old lady 
couldn't reach!

~Dressing Your Age~

~Life's Lessons~

Now that I'm older, here's what I have discovered:

* I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it
* My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran
* I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart
* Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded
* All reports are in: Life is now officially unfair
* If all is not lost, where is it?
* It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser
* Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant
* I wish the buck stopped here; I could sure use a few
* Kids in the back seat cause accidents
* Accidents in the back seat cause kids
* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere
* Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're
    in the bathroom
* If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees
* When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide
    to play chess?
* It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth
* These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
    I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after!

~The Nursing Home~

     Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer.
     He would wander about, never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. 
She took him to a nursing home finally.
     While the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the old man sit in a chair. Suddenly, he started leaning slowly to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.
     A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward... this time the nurse strapped him in to the chair.
     About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, 
"How do you like the place?"
     "It's OK", he replied, "...But no one will let me fart!"

~Elderly Drivers!~

     Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This is just as dangerous as a speeder!". So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
     Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, eyes wide and white as a ghost.
     The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
     "Ma'am", the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers".
     "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly.
     The State Police Officer, trying not to laugh, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
     "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't muttered a word this whole time", the officer asked.
     The woman replied, "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119".

~Crossword Puzzles~

~The Senility Prayer~

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference!

.....
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