Summer is here! So I thought I'd poke fun (again!) at a popular summer sport:
Golf!
.........

~ Don't Mess With Mother Nature! ~

Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, the other hooks off to the left. They both go to retrieve their balls.
The guy on the right is hacking & hacking at the ball but just can't lift it out of the buttercups it has become lodged in.
All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature, and is she pissed!
"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?!", she asks.
"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the golfer.
"Well, you are really making me mad! Just look what you've done to my buttercups! For this I must punish you... Your punishment will be an entire year without butter!", she announces.
The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about worn out Mother Nature's patience, as thunder sounds & lightning strikes.
"You're laughing at ME?!", she screams.
He replies, "I'm not laughing at you... I'm laughing at my friend over there whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"

.......
~ The Owl & The Doctors ~

Two doctors are golfing one day. Standing next to a tree, one spots an owl sleeping on a branch and says,
"I'm such a damned good surgeon, I'll bet you $100. I can climb up the tree and snip the owl's tonsils out without him waking up".
The other doctor takes the bet... Lo and behold, the guy climbs up the tree, opens the owl's beak, and snips the tonsils without waking him up!
Next week the two same doctors are at the golf course again. Standing next to the same tree, they spot the same owl sleeping on a branch again.
The other doctor says, "Let me win back my $100. I'll bet you I can climb up the tree and remove the owl's testicles without waking him up!"
The bet is made... Lo and behold, the guy climbs the tree and snips the owl's testicles without waking him up!
The following day, these two owls are flying around the golf course looking for a place to nap. One owl says to the other,
"How about that branch over there by the tee?".
The other owl replies,
"No way! I don't know what happened, but ever since I napped on that branch, I can't hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot!"

......
~ Golf's Elusive 19th Hole ~

.....
~ Golf & The Leprechaun ~

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness!", says the golfer, proceeding to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes".
The man replies, "I can't take anything from you... I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly", and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself,
"Well, he was a nice enough guy, but he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. Hmmm... I'll give him the three things that I would want:
unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life!"
A year goes by and the same golfer is out on the same course at the 16th hole. He tees up and hits one into the woods again, and goes off looking for his ball.
When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
"I'm fine", replies the leprechaun, "and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great!", exclaims the golfer, "I hit under par every time!"
"I did that for you", responds the leprechaun, "and might I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it", says the golfer, "every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill!"
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you... And might I ask how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week".
Floored, the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish".

....
~ Golf Lessons ~

A couple were taking golf lessons at the local course. The husband took his lesson first. The golf instructor said,
"OK, let's see you drive one down the fairway".
The husband winds up and hits the ball 150 yards out of bounds.
The instructor says, "You're holding the club too tightly... hold it like you would hold your wife's breast".
So the husband tries again, this time hitting the ball 300 yards straight down the fairway.
The wife takes her lesson next. The instructor says,
"OK, let's see what you can do..."
She hits the ball and it goes 100 yards out of bounds.
The instructor says, "You're holding the club way too tightly... hold it like you would hold your husband's penis".
So she tries it again, this time hitting the ball 15 feet down the fairway.
The instructor comments, "That's amazing, but now take the club out of your mouth & try it again".

.....
~ The Gay Golf Course ~

.....
~ Golfing Accident! ~

A guy went out on the golf course and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch!
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he asked, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way".
The doctor said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be OK by next week", and he proceeded to take four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, then wired it all together. An impressive work of art!
The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married, and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she undoes her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said, "You'll be the first. No one has ever touched them before".
He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the CRATE!"

Back to "TNTitsWit" Main Page