I thought I'd poke
fun at "tax time", your tax dollars, and the way our government is
run!
~Noah's Ark~
...And the Lord
spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the
whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I
want to save a few good people and two of every kind of animal on the planet. I
am ordering you to build me an ark".
"OK", said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blue prints.
"Six months and it starts to rain!", thundered the Lord.
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The
Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping, and there was no ark.
"Noah!", shouted the Lord, "where is my ark?!"
"Lord, please forgive me!", begged Noah, as a lightning bolt crashed
to the ground next to him, "I did my best, but there were big problems...
First I had to get a building permit for the ark construction project, and your
plans didn't meet code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then
I got into a big fight over whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler
system.
My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning laws building the ark in
my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission.
Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark because there was a
ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owls. I had to convince the U.S. Fish
& Wildlife that I needed to save two owls. But they wouldn't let me
catch any owls.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a
settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a
saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat & still no
owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by animal rights groups. They
objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the
suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without
filing an Environmental Impact Statement on your proposed flood. They didn't
take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the
Supreme Being.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I
sent them the globe.
Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Opportunity
Commissioner over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire; the IRS has seized
all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country,
and I just got a notice from the State about owing some kind of user tax!
I really don't think I can finish your ark for at least five years".
Suddenly, the sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and said, "You mean you're not going to
destroy the earth?"
"No", said the Lord sadly, "the government already
has".
....
~Tax Time! Pt.1~
The only thing the
IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the
time it's hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it's pissed off, 30% of the
time it's hard up, and 10% of the time it's in a hole. On top of this, it has
two dependents who are both nuts.
Therefore, starting January 1st, 2001, your penis will be taxed according to
its' size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below &
confirm this info on P.2, Section 7, Line 3 of your standard 1040 Form.
12-10 inches - Luxury Tax - $50.
10-8 inches - Pole Tax - $30.
8-6 inches - Privilege Tax - $15.
6-4 inches - Nuisance Tax - $5.
Please Note:
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.
Males exceeding 12 inches must file for capital gains.
Please do not request an extension!
...
...
~Your Tax Dollars at
Work!~
....
~At the Bar~
The local bar was
so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a
standing $1000. bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and
hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
would win the money. Many people had tried over time (body builders,
construction workers, etc...), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in to the bar, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the
bet".
After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed away...
then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist
around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000. and asked, "What do you
do for a living? Do you take martial arts or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS".
....
~Tax
Time! Pt.2~
////
~...Only in America!~
Only in America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance!
Only in America... are there handicap parking spaces in front of a skating rink!
Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a
diet Coke!
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens!
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and useless things & junk in boxes in the garage!
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
Call Waiting so we don't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place!
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten, and buns in packages
of eight!
Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well:
"poli" in Latin meaning "many", and "tics" meaning
"blood-sucking creatures"!
...
...
~Soooooooooooooo
True!~
////
~U.S. - vs - Russia
Pt.1~
The Americans
& the Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they
continued in the usual manner, they were going to nuke the whole world.
One day their Presidents sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a
dog fight. They'd have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world.
Which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing
side would have to lay down its' arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman & Rottweiler bitches in the
world, and bred them with their strongest Siberian wolves. Steroids and special
dog trainers were also used.
The biggest & most vicious pup was selected from each generation. After 5
years, the resulting dog had the size & strength of a lion!
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a
strange-looking animal... a 9 foot, chubby Dachshund. Many spectators felt sorry
for the Americans as the Russian dog, already growling, looked like he'd tear
the other dog to pieces.
The cages were opened... the Dachshund slowly waddled out, while the Russian dog
charged towards it and went for the jugular.
Just then the Dachshund quickly jerked it's head, mouth open, and swallowed the
Russian dog in a couple of bites.
The Russian leaders came up to the American leaders shaking their heads,
"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best breeders
& dog trainers working on this for 5 years!"
One American volunteered, "Well, we had our best plastic surgeons working
for 5 years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund".
...
...
~Tax Time! Pt.2~
////
~U.S. - vs - Russia
Pt.2~
One day President
Clinton received an emergency call from Russia. "Our countries' largest
condom factory has exploded! ", cried the Russian President, "...my
peoples' favorite form of birth control!".
"The American people would be happy to do anything within their power to
help you", Clinton responds.
"Great", replied the Russian President, "could you possibly send
1,000,000 ASAP to tie us over in the meantime?"
"Certainly", said Clinton, "I'll get right on it".
"Oh, and one more small favor please", said Russia's President,
"could the condoms be red in color and at
least 10" long and 2" in diameter?"
"No problem", replied Clinton, and with that, he hung up and called
Trojan. "I need 1,000,000 condoms right away & send them to
Moscow".
"Consider it done", said the president of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 2"
in diameter",
"OK, anything else?"
After a slight hesitation, Clinton said, "Yeah, print 'Made In America/
Size MEDIUM' on each one".
////
~The Pentagon's Hired
Help!~
////
~Who Hired These Guys?~
Can you imagine
working at the following Company?
It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
29 have been
accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 can not get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess
which organization this is?
Give up?
It's the 535
members of your United States Congress!
The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws
designed to keep the rest of us in line!
.....
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