Don't get mad... get EVEN!  These following funnies are about just that!

~ Rude Phone People ~

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day... when you just need to take it out on someone:
Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!
...I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "Could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had written the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!". It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced Caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello?". I made up a name and said, "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our Called ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

(Keep reading, it gets better...)

An old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave! Finally, her car began to move and she started to slowly back out of the slot.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space!
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked towards the mall as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, 'this guy's a jackass... there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world'. Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling the first jackass (whose number I now had on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello?"
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is"
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front"
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen"
"When's a good time to call you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings"
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dial.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem, I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass#1
He answered, "Hello?"
I yelled, "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah"
He said, "Stop calling me!"
I said, "No"
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen"
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front"
"I'm coming over right now, Don! You'd better start saying your prayers!"
"Yeah, like I'm really scared... jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass#2
He answered, "Hello?"
I said, "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?", I interrupted.
"I'll kick your ass!"
"Well, here's your chance... I'm coming over right now, jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th street and that I was going to kill my gay lover when he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down West 34th street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
(Name withheld to protect the guilty!)

.............
~ At The Zoo ~

It's a beautiful warm, spring day while a man & his wife are at the zoo.
As they walk in to the primate area, they pass a gorilla. Upon seeing the woman, the gorilla jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand while grunting & pounding his chest with the free hand.
The husband, noticing the gorilla is excited by his wife in her wavy dress, suggests that she tease the poor fellow. She puckers her lips, wiggles her bottom as she struts back & forth. Sure enough, the gorilla gets even more excited.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps of the dress fall, which she does. By now, the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
The husband then suggests that she lift her dress up her thighs, which upon doing, drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, the husband quickly grabs his wife, unbolts the door to the cage, and throws her in with the gorilla, saying, "Now tell HIM you have a head-ache!"

.........
~ Oh... Those Awkward Dates! ~

A boy and his date were parked on the back road some distance from town, doing what boys & girls do on back roads, when the girl stopped the boy, 
"I really should've mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20. for sex".
The boy reluctantly paid her and they did their thing. 
After his cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?", asked the girl.
The boy responded, "Well, I really should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

......
~ The Vegas Vacations ~

A successful businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket... If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home!
He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc... but to no avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport, barely on time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Las Vegas and this time he won big!
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his 'old buddy' who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan...
The businessman got into the first cab in line and said, "How much for a ride to the airport?"
"Fifteen bucks", came the response.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob once we get there?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman proceeded to get into the back of each cab in the long line and ask the same two questions... with the same result.
When he got to his 'old friend' at the back of the line, he got in and asked, 
"How much for a ride to the airport?"
"The cabbie, who didn't remember him, replied, "Fifteen bucks"
The businessman said, "OK" , and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile & 'thumbs up' sign to each driver.


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